akeyoftime: (damn it is making me dance)
How did the hermit pay for his home?

akeyoftime: (let's go be presidential)
Trevor: Man, there are good reasons nobody uses Internet Explorer.

This was also the conversation which spawned the line "Will DM for food."

Innovative, but possibly difficult to reach such a niche market.
akeyoftime: (damn it is making me dance)
Hey guys, why are communists good at school?

(It is because they get good Marx.)
akeyoftime: (fannie is explosive)
I meant to start the year off with these, but got sidetracked. I've been back east since late on the first, but have been in travel since the 30th. (We got in a bit of skiing upisland, yipee!) Since I got back I've been putting around the suite and babying my jetlag. Anyway, on to the Christmas cracker jokes! (Bilingual edition)

What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses!
What did the Gingerbread Man put on his bed? A cookie sheet.
What can you hold without ever touching or using your hands? Your breath.
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree could kill you? A pool table.

Que demande un douanier à un chocon qui passe la frontière? Un passe-porc!
Une pomme est rouge, jaune, et verte. Comment l'appelle-t-on? On la pèle avec un couteau!
Quel est le fruit préféré d'un policier? Les amandes!
Et parce que c'est vachement mauvais et drôle seulement à cause de ça...
Pourquoi la gifare a-t-elle un cou aussi long? Parce que ses pieds puent!
akeyoftime: (teacup books)
This, my friends, is how you play hide-and-go-seek.

Archimedes, Pascal, and Newton are playing hide-and-seek.
Archimedes covers his eyes and starts counting.
Pascal looks around and hides behind a bush.
Newton grabs a stick and scrapes a one meter by one meter square in the dirt and stands in it.

Otherwise he does not hide at all.
Archimedes opens his eyes and looks around.
Of course, he immediately sees Newton and calls "I see Newton"
Newton calmly says "But hang on, one Newton in a square meter is a Pascal!"
akeyoftime: (Chi chk chk)
"i" walks into a bar. The barman looks at him and says, "Get real."
akeyoftime: (christmas cookie)
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoilt milk.

Why did the pig have ink all over his face?
Because it came out of the pen.

What do you get when you slip on water?
A waterfall.

What did the Gingerbread Man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet.

Did you hear about the corduroy pillow?
It's making headlines.

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree could kill you?
A pool table.

* * * * *

Je porte des lunettes mais je ne vois pas. Qui suis-je?
Un nez!

Comment appelle t'on un boomerang qui ne revient pas?
Un bout de bois!

Quelle différence y a-t-il entre un chat et un stylo?
Le chat griffe et le stylo graphe!

Pourquoi faut-il fermer un oeil quand on vise?
Parce que si on ferme les deux, on ne voit plus rien!

Quel est le numéro de téléphone d'une poule?
444 4419 (Essaye-le à haute voix, et un peu vite à la fin)


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April 2010

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