Body Image!

[akeyoftime]

For the last six and a half years, I have been caught in constant struggle to accept my body as it is; but not for the reasons you might think.
When I was fifteen, a blood vessel burst in my brain, bringing on a borderline-severe brain injury and a series of other complications, including Fibromyalgia Syndrome. FMS can be triggered by just about any stress you can imagine (from mono, to divorce, to whiplash, or as in my case, a brain injury), but the one thing we all have in common is constant, widespread pain. At it's core, Fibromyalgia is a sleep problem. In my case, my waking alpha brain waves never go to sleep - they just keep squiggling on on top of my textbook sleeping delta waves, disrupting my rest. Poor sleep means a poorly rested body, which means sore joints and muscles. Now add on the extra effort of filtering out all that pain and it's no surprise that even on the very best of days, I'm ready for bed by eight in the evening. Hardly condusive to having much of a life! Before my brain injury, I was fast-paced, do-everything perfectionist. I could not be stopped or slowed down and if it looked interesting, I was there. Then all of a sudden, within the span of two weeks, getting out of bed just to go to my afternoon classes was a challenge I couldn't always face.
"Why me?" was something I asked a lot. An awful lot. It was really hard to watch my friends start to get into their independence, going out on their own and having fun while I was stuck at home in bed. As much as I honestly enjoy Star Trek reruns, they cannot not take the place of a social life. Though I made progress, it was slow and often felt like it was one step forward, two steps back. I was literally re-learning how to live my life from the ground up, a process that is still ongoing today. I've had to transfer my allegiances from the altar of 'Do Everything' to that of the elusive concept of 'Balance', which we're all heard of, but that most of us ignore. If I were to live in a bubble, I might be able to live a perfectly balanced life; unfortunately, I don't. Some days it's not possible to meet my emotional needs (seeing my friends!) and my physical needs (the need for rest!). So I have to sacrifice one or the other; or, more often, I try to do both and push myself into exhaustion and pain, sometimes so severe that it's all I can do to curl up and sob. The next few days are always a bit of a bust, after a flare-up like that. But there's always homework to do and classes to attend and meals to cook and cleaning to be done. Life doesn't slow down. I seem to live in a perpetual yo-yo state; I run myself a little ragged (and often, all that takes is spending the day on campus to attend my classes), slow down for two or three days to recover a little, and then I start all over again. It is the single most frustrating experiences I have ever had, because no matter how hard I try, I always seem to end up back in the same hole.
So I'll just keep doing what I've been doing for years. Every morning I will get up and start the search for balance all over again, even though it often feels futile. I will try to make time to exercise, because I know how much better I feel for it. I will eat three healthy meals, because I know failing to do that will make me ill. If I have a particularily busy day, I will try to take time to relax. I will remember to talk to my friends and my family, because they are my lifeline. Even if I do all these things right, I could very well get sick all the same, because what is balance in the morning may not be in the afternoon. It's hard to accept that my health is sometimes out of my control, but I stopped asking "Why me?" years ago, because it's just not relevant anymore. Fibromyalgia is not something I enjoy, but it's a part of me. It's taught me a lot of lessons: that even if I were healthy, I couldn't do everything; and that any perceived imperfections in my body aren't worth worrying about, because there are so many bigger fish to fry. I like to think it's taught me patience and understanding. If can only remember to measure my progress in how far I've come, rather than against the rest of the world, then I'll be alright.


Surprisingly, I feel more awkward about posting this here, for peple who already know a lot of this (for some of you who also live with similar struggles!), than I do sending it off to my editor for anyone at school to see. It always seems counter-intuitive that I should feel awkward about sharing with my friends and not with strangers.

Thanks to jezebeau for all the polishing.

Comments

[i-paint-the-sky.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I'm always impressed with how much you are able to do, it actually puts most of the healthy people I know to shame really.

[akeyoftime.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[rufas.livejournal.com]

You must have amazing strength that most of us cannot hope to achieve.

[akeyoftime.livejournal.com]

I have an amazingly strong support network. I'd never be where I am without them.

[sofisticat.livejournal.com]

I agree with the others - you are an amazingly strong person.

[akeyoftime.livejournal.com]

Like I told Peter, I've also got an amazingly strong support network and wow does that make a massive difference. But thank you!

[satanseraph.livejournal.com]

I think the fact that you know all you can do is just live with it and take those steps forward, even if slowly, is admirable. SO, keep it up! :D *hugs*

[akeyoftime.livejournal.com]

It's a lesson you have to learn if you're going to go on living. I cannot make myself healthy, but I can work with what I have. And I think that lesson holds true, in whatever form, to all of us.

*hugs*

[partytodamascus.livejournal.com]

despite any health setbacks, you are one of the strongest-willed people i know. i know that you try to refute any claims that you're any more responsible than anyone else, but i know irrevocably that you are, because you've managed to care for yourself this far. nobody has perfect balance, but you, unlike most, are consciously taking the steps necessary to work towards it, and that's one of the things i particularly admire about you.
even making the acknowledgment that you really need to spend time with friends is a healthy decision, and i'm glad you make it, everytime i get to see you.

[akeyoftime.livejournal.com]

*hugs you really tightly*

I am delighted I make that choice when I get to see you too!